Hey guys, look I know you think you are rockin' those aviators. Heck what woman doesn't like staring into oversized pools of black? You may have committed the ultimate faux pas by going Euro style and sporting a speedo, thong, or maybe even that Borat special, a mankini, but it doesn't matter 'cause you are you. Hell, maybe you added sock padding for some extra cotton confidence. I don't fault you for that. Whatever works, right? So while you are spitting your mad game to that prone vixen thinking you need look no further for your evening's plans, let me tell you something. You're wrong, and in a moment I'll explain why.
When I last sat down and took to the keyboard, I discussed those warning signs for which lifeguards scour the sand. Those extremes and/or signs of ignorance that warn us that we best be warning you before there might not be a you to warn. It only stands to reason that in the midst of our constant search for potential rescues we discover that, well, the public is up to all sorts of shenanigans. Which brings us to round one:
The Pickup Artist
Let's take the fellow in the intro. Yeah, maybe I came down a bit hard on him. He's only trying to make an acquaintance or maybe something even more. He spied an attractive maiden, reached down deep and dug up the courage to approach her, and now he's only trying to seal the deal. Given him some props, right? Naaa... not when he's sporting that ensemble. Throw in a pot belly, a bear skin back along with an excessive amount of jewelry and that is just one visual shudder fest. Or priceless YouTube moment.
But it is not his obvious lack of sand sartorial skill that tells me that his evening plans are actually, for the moment, dinner, party of one. No, it is the woman. Why? Body language.
Fellows, if you approach a prone Penelope (that means she is lying on her stomach) and if after a minute or two of your best lines or obvious questions ("What are you reading?" "Is it any good?") she hasn't propped herself up on her elbows or rolled over to engage you in a more comfortable and friendly position, let me tell you, she's not interested. She is there to enjoy her day under the sun. She's not looking for company, especially yours. She just wants to be left alone. And as unappealing as it may seem, the best way to make a positive impression is to acknowledge her desire instead of forging ahead and clearly illustrating that you are committing that most cardinal of sins - you are not hearing her. Not all communication issues from the mouth. In fact, most of it doesn't.
If you continue to insist upon making her uncomfortable she may leave, politely shoo you away ("I have a boyfriend.") or lay waste to your ego with a righteous verbal smackdown. If she leaves, well that is just sad. She obviously doesn't know how to say, "Go away." and so instead that is what she does. Yes, she could benefit from a carton of confidence, but that is no reason for you to persist. Oh, and please don't follow her off the beach. If it appears predatory you will quickly discover that your actions did not go unnoticed. The police are our friends.
Response number two is the best for all parties involved. If you hear her gentle dismissal, you can depart with your pride intact and she can resume her sun-worshipping. If you don't - water, sand, ego in the ears, whatever the reason may be - well expect option number three. They tend to work hand in hand in an escalating fashion.
This final possibility is far more entertaining for us. Should your insistence be met with a Gina Carano elbow to the ego, take it like a man. Smile and walk away. Had you paid attention to her body cues and not the roar of your ego, you would have avoided the bruising in the first place. You would have made a good impression, and might have improved your chances the next time the two of you crossed paths. And if you approached a group of women, do expect to hear laughter and "Oh my god I thought he'd never leave." as you attempt a smooth exit. It comes with the territory.
Now if she does roll over, or prop herself up, or put down her book, take a deep breath and relax. She is willing to listen to what you have to say. And if she smiles (I am talking eyes AND mouth - just mouth is the same as remaining prone) well, sir, what you got yourself there is a golden ticket. Don't muck it up with the Sharpie of stupidity (example: do not kneel or stand with your crotch in her face, i.e. eye level. It happens so often...)
A note to the ladies, if you are ever uncomfortable at the beach, please remember the lifeguard is your friend. If you set up away from the public it is quite possible that you will find yourself badgered by ignorant brutes. Please do not hesitate to contact the lifeguard for assistance. She will be happy to aid you in whatever way she can.
© Copyright 2011 David S. Carpenter. All Rights Reserved.
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