Lifeguard Towers Are NOT...

In my twenty years of lifeguarding I've come to realize that the public has difficulty in comprehending the true function of a lifeguard tower.  Simply put, it is an office.  It may not have a desk, or a computer, or an executive assistant, or a copy machine, or any other paraphernalia associated with an office, but that doesn't alter the fact that the tower is exactly that.  It is a functional workspace that comes with a first aid kit, a rescue can/tube, tide information, swim signs/flags, binoculars, fins, and maybe even a rescue paddleboard.  It isn't a corner suite with a private shower.  It is the entire building; windows all around, each with an ocean view.

It is NOT...

A place for you to rest your weary bottom because you have an aversion to the sand.  You're at the beach.  Bring a towel.

A place to hide from the sun.  Again, you're at the beach.  The sun shouldn't be a surprise.  Bring an umbrella.

A place for you to dump your shoes.

A laundry line for your wet towels, wetsuits, and clothes.

A trash can.  If you find a broken bottle or pick up a plastic bag, walk the extra fifteen feet to the garbage can and throw it away.  Don't hold the refuse up to me and ask me to do something with it.  I'm busy watching the water.  I'm busy guarding lives.  Thumbs up for the grassroots environmentalism.  Now follow the action all the way through to its end.

A place to leave your spent condoms from all different types of humping.  Yes, you can tell the difference.  If that just made you wince or gag, think of how we react when remnants of your "love-making" are the first things to greet us as we open the tower.  Hanging them like Christmas ornaments from the locks or railings doesn't lessen the disgust we experience.

A prop for your photograph.  Yes, we are mostly an accommodating bunch.  Yes, we realize that your Facebook album is missing that seminal Baywatch reenactment.  Yes, if the day's demands allow for it we will probably even let you pose with the can, BUT, folks, you aren't at Disneyland.  We are not wearing oversized costumes and merely employed for your Kodak moment.  If given the okay, take your picture and move on.  Don't take eighty snaps and set up camp.  We are working.  You are not.

(On that note, if we tell you "No," but direct you to a closed tower that you can use for your photos, don't complain about the one hundred or so yard walk.  It tells me this.  You don't really want the picture.  Certainly not enough to make the additional effort.  I get this all the time from professional photographers wanting to take engagement photos on the tower while I'm working.  Hey photogs, you won't find me asking to use your computer when you are digitally retouching your photographs, so keep your subjects off my ramp/deck while I'm guarding the lives of the public.  Face it.  You are lazy.)

A hang out point for you to check out the girls.  Yeah, I get it.  Letting the ladies believe you are best buds with the lifeguard adds to your sand cred.  More often than not it adds to my annoyance.  The cones are there for a reason.

A supply hut for your sand castle building activities.  If you didn't bring a shovel, use your hands.

A sportswear store.  Bring your own swimsuit, fins and/or towel.  Don't ask me for mine.

A diner.  We don't sell food.  Seriously, what ever made you think that we did?

A pharmacy.  We don't have Tylenol, or Motrin, or Oxycotin, or... you get the picture.  Legally we cannot dispense drugs, even aspirin.

A toilet.  Either way.  And puking.

A doggy daycare.  Some beaches do not allow dogs.  For better or worse, mine is one of them.  Asking me to watch your Pekingese while you go play is absurd, and will be met with a response that you probably don't want to hear.  And that is not a real dog.

A child daycare.  I'm there to ensure that everyone gets home safely, not that Billy has a play date while you put your head in a towel and promptly fall asleep.  You're the parent.  I'm the lifeguard.  Any questions?

A personal safe.  I can't watch your gold Rolex, or your three carat diamond engagement ring, or your wallet.  I'm not always in my tower, but sometimes other people are.  It's not uncommon for people to try to steal our stuff.  I'm not going to get blamed when the stuff stolen is yours.  And really, why, WHY are you bringing your valuables to the beach?

A sunscreen dispensary.  You chose to go to the beach.  Why should you be surprised that you need sunscreen?  I burn through bottles of the stuff and I work five days a week.  

A drinking fountain.  I bring enough water to make it though the day.  You should too.

A place to put on your shoes.  Look, I know you don't want to get sand on your socks or in your kicks, but my ramp is not the place to ensure that doesn't happen.  First, you still have to walk across the beach.  Thus you will find, sand on socks and sand in shoes.  Second, if I have to make a rescue, I don't need you in the way complicating matters.  Your prissiness could cost someone else his life.  I'm not about to let that happen.  Suggestion, do what we do.  Wear flip flops (a.k.a. flaps, sandals).

A dressing room.  If you brought a towel, wrap it around yourself and change underneath.  If you didn't, use a public restroom or changing area.  I do not need a naked woman cavorting about in or under my tower.  Public perception is everything.  It doesn't take much of an effort to realize how said woman would be perceived.

Folks, if you paid attention to the above, the message is simple.  You have chosen to go to the beach.  Take the time to make all the necessary preparations so that your day on the sand will be a blast.  If you need medical assistance, we are more than happy to provide.  Has your child gone missing?  We will do our best to bring the two of you back together and alleviate the stress of the situation.  Have a question?  We might have an answer especially if it has to do with the beach and the surrounding area.  Are you being harassed?  We will intervene or ask our friends in the ol' black and whites to do so.  Need rescuing?  You don't have to ask twice.  But treat us or our offices in any of the above fashions, expect to receive a withering stare and a not too subtle verbal butt kick.  Our job is more difficult than you think.  We don't appreciate it when your poor decisions make it even harder.  Remember, there are lives on the line.

© Copyright 2011 David S. Carpenter.  All Rights Reserved.